The Caregiving Mirror: What Parenting Didn’t Prepare Me For

Recently I shared the beginning of my journey as a Family Caregiver (FC) supported by Professional Caregivers (PC). In short: I care for two senior family members who live with me, and I recently began receiving in-home support from a local agency, Home Instead. That support has been a blessing—but it’s only one part of the equation.

This week, I want to go back to the basics and name what I believe to be the biggest problem to solve if you want to be a successful family caregiver: you have to take care of yourself first. It sounds simple. It’s not. Especially when you’re used to putting yourself last.

As a mom, I remember struggling with how to handle things. I wasn’t taught emotional intelligence growing up, and the concept of self-care felt... indulgent? Unnecessary? Selfish? All of the above? But parenting came with guideposts. Books. Blogs. Friends with kids. Entire school systems built around helping us parent. And most importantly, I always knew my kids would grow up. They’d eventually leave the house, and then, I told myself, that’s when I’ll focus on me.

Well—my youngest moved out over a decade ago. And here I am, once again, in the role of caregiver. Only this time, there was no real warning, no manual, and no expiration date. And the truth is, we don’t talk enough about how hard this is. The caregiving mirror doesn’t just reflect our parents’ needs—it reflects back everything we’ve neglected in ourselves.

Here are some things I’ve learned the hard way:

• Parenting is hard. Caregiving can feel harder. You don’t realize how many support structures exist for parents until you need them for yourself and they’re not there. You can’t throw a rock without hitting parenting advice, but caregiving feels like you’re on your own.

• Guilt is constant. Even writing this, I feel it. That whisper of you should be doing more, even when you’re doing everything. It’s not that I don’t love my parents—I do. But I miss feeling like I have a life of my own.

• Your plans don’t matter—until they do. I’ve lost count of how many things I’ve canceled. And when I do try to plan ahead, it’s always with an asterisk: unless something comes up.

• Rest is a luxury. When they don’t sleep, you don’t sleep. And unlike when my kids were little, I can’t “nap when they nap.” I’m using those precious nap hours to catch up on work, emails, or—if I’m lucky—just sit in silence.

• Respite used to be scheduled. Now, it’s rare. When I was divorced and parenting, weekends with their father gave me breathing room. As a caregiver, there’s no built-in break. Even well-meaning offers from friends or family don’t always materialize, and everyone has their own full plate.

I’m still learning. I’m still stumbling. But I’m also trying to find better balance and act on what I know: I can’t take care of anyone if I don’t care for myself. That’s the truth. And that’s where we start.

So, now that we’ve said the hard part out loud (or at least typed it), we can begin the next part—finding tools, resources, and community to help us do this well. I’d love to hear from others:

How do you navigate what I believe is the greatest hurdle in family caregiving—acknowledging and addressing that your own well-being must come first?

Let’s build a space where we don’t feel alone in this anymore.

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As always, I thank ChatGPT for making the overloaded whiteboard of ideas into a clear, concise article.